


Shadows Bring the Starlight

by lohn_jaurens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt, this is really sad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 01:19:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7293640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohn_jaurens/pseuds/lohn_jaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Yeah, I checked on him like 20 minutes ago when I got home and he just told me to fuck off.” Herc replied, shoving an eggroll into his mouth. John chuckled and opened the door to Alexs room, expecting to find his boyfriend curled up on the bed under a massive amount of blankets like he normally does when he gets sad. However, he found an empty bed, and John felt his heart rate pick up. He noticed the bathroom door was slightly ajar and shakily moved towards it, and when he pushed it open, he screamed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows Bring the Starlight

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad, and not for the easily triggered. Mentions of suicide attempt, blood, self-harm, and hospitals. I wrote this last night because i was feeling extremely depressed, and needed an outlet. 
> 
>  
> 
> Title is a lyric from the Spring Awakening song "Those You've Known."

John hadn’t heard from his boyfriend all day and that should’ve been his first clue that something was very wrong. Normally Alexander would text him a running commentary of his day, talking about something he had heard someone else say, and wanted to comment on, or he would complain about what Jefferson was wearing. He texted in paragraphs similar to the way he talked, unable to reply with only a few words. Even when John didn’t reply, he loved when Alex did that, because he loved what his boyfriend had to say. He loved how smart and witty he was. However, today, John hadn’t gotten a single text.

This happened sometimes when Alexs depression would flare up. Sometimes it got so bad he wouldn’t get out of bed all day, skipping classes and just staring off into space. John made sure that on days like this, he would text Alex first, to just make sure that Alex was okay. By noon, John had sent 3 texts, and hadn’t gotten one back, and he was starting to get worried.

He decided to skip his anatomy class that afternoon and stopped to pick up a big bag of Chinese food and headed to Alexs apartment. He shared the place with their two other best friends, Hercules and Lafayette, and both of their classes end at noon that day, so John was sure that someone would be home to let him in. John knocked and waited for someone to open the door, and after some shuffling the door swung open and reveled Lafayette, who broke out into a smile when he saw John.

“John mon ami, come in.” John smiled and followed Laf back into the apartment, closing the door behind him.

“What’s up man?” Hercules boomed from his position on the couch as he and Laf walked into the living room.

“Hey y’all, I brought Chinese, y’all help yourselves.” He said as he plopped the large bag down onto the coffee table.

“Have we ever told you how much we love you?” Laf said as he sat on the floor in front of the coffee table and began digging through the bag.

“You may have mentioned it once or twice. Is Alex in his room?” John asked as he started to move towards Alexs room.

“Yeah, I checked on him like 20 minutes ago when I got home and he just told me to fuck off.” Herc replied, shoving an eggroll into his mouth. John chuckled and opened the door to Alexs room, expecting to find his boyfriend curled up on the bed under a massive amount of blankets like he normally does when he gets sad. However, he found an empty bed, and John felt his heart rate pick up. He noticed the bathroom door was slightly ajar and shakily moved towards it, and when he pushed it open, he screamed.

Lying on the floor was his Alexander, his beautiful Alexander. He was surrounded by a puddle of blood that was pouring out of cuts on both of Alexs wrists. He was pale, and wasn’t moving. Alex was always moving, he had too much pent up energy and even when he was just sitting there, some part of his body was moving. Nothing was moving, and John felt his knees buckle underneath him. He crawled over to his boyfriend, not caring about getting covered in blood, and reached up to Alexanders neck, trying to find a pulse, and started crying when he found it. Faint, but Alex was still alive.

He hadn’t noticed Herc and laf standing in the doorway until he heard a broken, “Is he dead?” Laf was standing there, eyes wide and tears running down his face, completely frozen in place. Herc was also completely frozen in shock, and he was clutching his boyfriends hand so tight his knuckles were turning white. John shook his head in reply, and looked back at his boyfriend. He was going to die if he didn’t do something, and pre-med John Laurens kicked in and set things in motion.

“Laf.” No response.

“Lafayette.” No response.

“Gilbert!” Using his first name snapped Laf out of whatever trance he was in. He turned his attention to John as he started talking, “I need you to go and call 911 and then go downstairs and wait for them so you can show them up here, okay?” He stared at John for a few more seconds before nodding and pulling out his phone and walking away.

“Hercules I need you to go find some towels so we can try to slow down the bleeding.” Herc nodded and walked out of the bathroom, reappearing a few minutes late holding a stack of clean towels.

“I need you to wrap a towel around his right forearm and apply pressure to his wrist. I’ll do his left arm, okay?” John started to move into action, wrapping the towel around Alexs left arm, trying to stop blood from rapidly leaving his body. Herc was frozen in his position in the doorway, just staring at Alexs body.

“Hec, I need your help. Please.” Herc looked at him for a few seconds before nodding and mimicking what he had done on Alexs right arm.

When John switched to his medical version, he detached from what was actually going on around him. He found it easier to deal with situations if he just shut away his emotions and just dealt with the situation on hand. It wasn’t until Alex had been loaded into the ambulance and john was left sitting in a pool of his boyfriends blood on the bathroom floor that the situation finally hit him.

He began sobbing when he realized what just happened. His Alex, his beautiful, wonderful Alexander, and tried to kill himself. Maybe if john had gotten here earlier, instead of stopping for food, he could’ve stopped this. Maybe if he had paid more attention to his boyfriend he would’ve noticed something was wrong. Maybe if he wasn’t so wrapped up in his own shit, he would have been able to help. He didn’t notice that Hercules was still in the room until he felt big strong arms wrap him in a hug. Herc pulled him closer to his chest as the smaller boy just continued to sob.

John wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but it was long enough that John was able to stop crying. After he calmed down, he just felt numb. Herc said something about taking a shower and John nodded, even though he wasn’t exactly paying attention. He was focusing on his breathing, trying to keep himself from having a breakdown. Alex needed him right now, he wouldn’t let his own shit get in the way. They stood up and John followed Herc into his and Lafs bathroom and Herc turned on the shower.

“Once you’re done we’ll go to the hospital okay?” He nodded as Herc walked out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him. John caught sight of himself in the mirror and then proceeded to empty his stomach into the toilet. He was covered in blood, Alexs blood. He stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower. He turned it up to where it was scalding and scrubbed his skin clean.

Once he stepped out of the shower he noticed his old clothes were gone, and there was a fresh stack of clothes on the counter. Huh, he hadn’t even heard Herc come in. the clothes consisted of a fresh pair of boxers, a pair of basketball shorts he had left there, and one of Alexs’ hoodies. It was one that Lafayette had brought back from France, it was dark blue and had ‘Paris’ written on it in white cursive letters. It was extremely soft, and was about 3 sizes too big for Alex and 2 sizes too big for John. When he put it on he got a big whiff of coffee and cinnamon; Alex. It smelled like Alex, and that almost sent John into another fit of sobs.

He walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to find that Hercules had also changed clothes. He was standing there talking to Eliza, who must have come over while he was in the shower. When John entered the room they stopped their conversation and looked at him. Eliza rushed over to him and pulled him into a big hug. Just being around Eliza calmed him down and he felt better by the time they pulled away. She smiled at him sympathetically, while trying not to cry herself.

“Lafayette took your car, so I’m going to drive you boys to the hospital.” Eliza said as she took Johns hands and began to lead him out of the door. He followed, not trusting himself to talk without breaking down in tears. Herc followed behind them, and sat in the backseat as John sat shotgun. The 10 minutes ride to hospital was excruciating, and no one tried to speak, which john was grateful for, he wasn’t sure he would be able to follow a conversation, or even speak right now. He just had to see Alex, just had to make sure Alex was okay.

They arrived and John practically threw himself out of the car, Eliza and Herc followed close behind. The nurse at the front desk of the emergency room directed them to the right room, and when they entered all he noticed was his boyfriend lying so still on the bed. The constant beeping of the heart monitor told him that Alex was alive, and that he was okay. Lafayette stood up from the chair at the bedside, and guided John so that he was sitting there. Their three friends excused themselves to go get lunch from the cafeteria and allowed John to be alone with Alex.

He reached forward to grab his hand, and it was so cold, it didn’t feel like Alex. He felt Alex squeeze his hand, and turn his head as his eyes fluttered open to look at John. His beautiful brown eyes weren’t filled with the same light they normally had, and it broke Johns heart even more.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So I’m guessing I’m not dead?” John felt himself start crying again. Alex had wanted to die so badly, and John felt so helpless. He didn’t know what to do to help Alex.

“No. I thought I was going to lose you. I love you so much, please don’t leave me.” John started crying again, and he felt Alex reach up and wipe away his tears.

“I’m so sorry.” He could hear Alexs voice break as he started crying too.

“I know baby, it’s not your fault. I love you so much.” He grabbed his boyfriends hand and kissed the bandages on his wrists.

“I love you too.” He leaned over to kiss his boyfriend, and never wanted to pull away. Wanted to stay wrapped up forever in his lips, but pulled away when he heard the door open and a man in a white coat entered. He smiled at the boys as he walked over to Alexs chart and picked it up and flipped through it.

“You must be Mr. Hamiltons boyfriend, I’m Dr. Tallmadge.” He stuck out his hand for John to shake.

“John Laurens.” He replied, leaning back and grabbed Alexs hand to hold.

“Would you happen to be the one who took action at the scene?” John nodded apprehensively, but relaxed when the doctor smiled brightly at him.

“Well young man, you saved his life. Those 15 minutes you were there kept him alive, you should be very proud of yourself.” John turned to look at Alexander, who was already looking at him lovingly. Even though John had foiled his attempt, Alex looked at him with nothing but pride.

“John wants to be a doctor.” Alex said, turning back to Dr. Tallmadge, who was watching both boys amusingly.

“Well, you will make a fine doctor one day. We’re going to keep Alexander overnight to monitor him, but he will be able to go home tomorrow, and we’ll take his stitches out in three weeks.” With that, the doctor smiled at them again and walked out, leaving them alone again.

“I love you so much.” Alex said leaning over to kiss his boyfriend. John sighed into the kiss, and pulled away, and just looked at Alex. He wasn’t okay, he was far from it, but they were going to get through it, together.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think!  
> I should be writing the next chapter for my other fic "John Laurens Finds a Family" but oh well.


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